Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
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I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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