By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
