I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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