when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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