you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
