I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
