i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
