He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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