dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
