M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we're making bets on your personal life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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