Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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