were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish you could order shots online.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
