Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
