Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
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Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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