where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
