Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
