I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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