listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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