well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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