Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
