dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
