I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
