She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i will never coherently bang her
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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