Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize