i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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