Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
