just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
