i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize