I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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