3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
