I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
