My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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