I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
