I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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