Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
