3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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