Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
