I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
