Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
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I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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