ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
