remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
