I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
