Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
