i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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