Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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