she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
