I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
