She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
