I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
