My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
