My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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