Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
