Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You left your phone here
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