Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I love black thongs
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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