my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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