So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
