I want to make a zoo with you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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